I have a wing injury which has been difficult but little else in terms of trouble. I’ll show a picture later.
Work is alright. Its hard but not in a way that hurts my spirit. I’m not keeping up with many of my wellness goals from when I was off work. But I’m doing some of it and making it okay.
Some things I just don’t want to talk about yet.
My head and heart are mostly in balance. There have been hard things, as always, but I am mostly untroubled. My energy level is not what I would like but right now that’s because of the tendinitis in my shoulder. Today I got a cortisone shot.
We had such a wet June that frogs and their children are very happy. Even into July we still have lots of water in marginal habitat areas like ditches and seasonal marshlands. So, that’s good.
Someone, a patient, at work dies a few weeks ago and that was tough and a bit frustrating.
Here are some pictures I’ve found or taken:
Comic-con pamphlet
Transamerica spin
better add music-
follow the money- I made this when GW was nominated, still current
You are in love with me, I shall make you perplexed.
Do not build much, for I intend to have you in ruins. If you build two hundred houses in a manner that the bees do; I shall make you as homeless as a fly. If you are the mount Qaf in stability. I shall make you whirl like a millstone.
Now you’ve departed and gone to the Unseen-
On what strange ways you’ve gone from our world!
You shook your feathers and you broke the cage;
You flew away, far, to the soul’s own world.
You were a hawk, encaged by Mrs. World.
You heard the drum and flew to Where-no-place.
You were a nightingale among the owls-
The garden’s scent came; you went to the rose.
You suffered headache from these bitter dregs-
At last you went to the eternal tavern…
The rose flees from the autumn-daring rose
That you went on in the autumnal wind!
You fell like rain on the terrestrial roof,
Run here and there, escaping through the spout.
Be silent-there is no more pain of speaking:
You are protected by a loving friend!
I think I’m ready but I am a bit nervous. I’ve been off since 2/10/2012. Oregon State Hospital- here is a state propaganda page.
Some things have changed while I was gone. Everyone is now moved into the new hospital building. Even me. No more big comfortable, private office- I’m in a giant cube-farm. This will take some getting used to.
The word is that most patients find it to be much more prison-like. There is no real “outside”- yards are internal, surrounded by tall walls, space is limited more in some ways. There is no real space where people can congregate and talk. Dining is now in shifts of 30 minutes each, treatment groups happen in rooms attached to crowded narrow hallways.
Staff are also concerned about the new building and the whole new set of rules and restrictions that have emerged over the past 6 months
...but oh, so clean!!
Many staff there are excellent people. Most of them are having trouble working in the new environment. But the propaganda machine is telling everyone it’s great, so really what are people complaining about?
Recently a staff person died while restraining a patient. The death was your basic heart attack unrelated to the events, other than there was probably some physical exertion going on. The guy is someone who always looked like a walking coronary. He was 36 years old.
Peace out Matthew. Rest easy. You don’t need to come to work tomorrow. I do though.
my co-workers
Wish me luck. I will need all the good vibes I can muster.
Okay, lets do something different. Funny stuff or things that caught my eye. And a bit of music. We’ll start with music to make the whole segue thing more realistic. Lisa Germano singing “Destroy the Flower”.
Also, look on the “Projects” page for photography by Imogen Cunningham. As of today there is only about 30 pictures, they are all black and white and they are all pictures of “flora”. I will be adding to this over time. These are huge files, big pictures. Your basic coffee-table book.
Below, one of 3 holes they opened up in my veins for Electrophysiography and Cardiac Ablation yesterday. Two probes up from both sides of my groin, one down from the neck.
They put the probes in place, then stressed my heart into an arrhythmia, mapped where the short circuits were happening, snaked another deal through whichever hole was closest to burn the tissue inside my heart that was causing the problem.
The procedure took just over 3 hours, then had to lie flat on my back for 6 hours so they know my veins won’t pop open and make a huge mess.
Feels worse than it looks. I am sparing you the groin shots.
It’s good though because the arrhythmia was becoming a serious problem (3 incidents in 6 months requiring medical intervention, one requiring defib). No more. All fixed.
click for big!
I’ve never even had a broken bone. Dislocated a knee when I was about 6- still have arthritis from that. No tonsillectomy, no appendectomy (all original equipment); I did have a vasectomy many years ago, but that was nothing.
At 57 years old, this is the most intrusive medical procedure I have ever had.
Even with the arrhythmia gone that still leaves me with a couple serious chronic illnesses. Oh, well- life goes on. Balanced on a thread. Life, as they say, is fleeting, insubstantial. Death only is certain; the time and place of death is unknown.
Each moment of being a human being is precious. The fulfillment of my innate purpose is the only worthwhile goal. That fulfillment lies in the choices I make each moment. That purpose lies in my devotion to the essence of my heart’s desire.
I love the poetry of Tagore (there are many examples of this throughout this site). From Gitanjali:
If thou speakest not I will fill my heart with thy silence and endure it. I will keep still and wait like the night with starry vigil and its head bent low with patience.
The morning will surely come, the darkness will vanish, and thy voice pour down in golden streams breaking through the sky.
Then thy words will take wing in songs from every one of my birds’ nests, and thy melodies will break forth in flowers in all my forest groves.
That longing that I knew before I was even born, all the desires, sacred and profane, that have driven my every moment through this rich tapestry of life- all come from the same deep yearning for wholeness. And even as my heart yearns, I know deeply and certainly that I am already whole, that the clear light is my own nature, closer than my name, closer and more real than my own “I” feeling.
Also, going through my head this past month-
Pitr Purushe Bhyo Namah, Rsi Deve Bhyo Namah, Brahma Arpanam Brahma Havir, Brahmanao Brahmana’hutam, Brahmaeva Tena Gantavyam Brahma Karma Sama’dhina’.
Salutations to the ancestors, salutations to the god-like rs’is.
The act of offering is Brahma; that which is offered is Brahma; the One to whom the offering is made is Brahma; and the person making the offering is Brahma.
One will merge in Brahma after completing the duty assigned to him/her by Brahma.
The above translation is not how I remember it. Especially I always understood the phrase Brahma’g’ nao as having to do with the burning of the offering. It has been a long time since I was a serious student of samskrta bhajans. Someone please correct me if I am wrong (I know there are many very knowledgeable folks who read this and will know better than I the meaning) but I have always thought this part of the mantra says:
“God is the offering, God is the Offerer, God is the fire which consumes the offering and the ashes that remain; The one who remembers God in everything they do will merge with God when the work is done.”
The point being that I have been remembering this verse, this puja, in my daily work, especially now because I have been feeling discouraged and even exhausted by the seva.
That reminds me of this- Shirdi Sai Baba and a wonderful book of bhajans here. More Shirdi Sai Baba on this site, especially in the tab “This Here” above.
Everything that arises in this moment is the perfect teacher- so there is some chance that the following random stuff that has been invading my head is relevant-
Bhakthi Saint 14th Century proponent of
“Krishna Bhakthi” in North India
Madhuraashtakam by Saint Vallbhacharya
adharam madhuram vadanam madhuram
nayanam madhuram hasitam madhuram
hrdayam madhuram gamanam madhuram
madhuraadhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His lips are sweet; His face is sweet; Hiseyes are sweet; His smile
is sweet; His heart is sweet and His walk is sweet. Every single thing
about the Lord is completely sweet!”
vachanam madhuram charitam madhuram
vasanam madhuram valitam madhuram
chalitam madhuram bhramitam madhuram
madhuradhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His words are sweet; His acts are sweet; His dress is sweet; His
posture is sweet. His walk is sweet, and His wanderings are sweet.
Every single thing about the Lord is completely sweet!”
venur madhuro renur madhurah
panir madhurah padau madhurau
nrityam madhuram sakhyam madhuram
madhuradhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His flute is sweet; the dust of His lotus feet is sweet. His hands
are sweet; His feet are sweet. His dancing is sweet; His friendship is
sweet. Everything about the Supreme Lord of sweetness is sweet.”
geetam madhuram peetam madhuram
bhuktam madhuram suptam madhuram
roopam madhuram tilakam madhuram
madhuradhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His song is sweet, His drinking is sweet; His eating is sweet, His
sleeping is sweet. His beauty is sweet, His tilaka is sweet. Every
thing about the Lord is completely sweet.”
karanam madhuram taranam madhuram
haranam madhuram smaranam madhuram
vamitam madhuram shamitam madhuram
madhuradhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His acts are sweet, His delivering is sweet, His stealing is sweet,
His enjoyment is sweet. His heartfelt outpourings are sweet, His peace
is sweet. Everything about the Supreme Lord is fully sweet.”
gunja madhura mala madhura
yamuna madhura veechee madhura
salilam madhuram kamalam madhuram
madhuradhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His Gunja necklace is sweet, as is His garland. His Yamuna River is
sweet, her waves are sweet, and her waters are sweet. The lotus
flowers there are also sweet. Everything is completely sweet about the
Supreme Personality of Godhead, the Lord of sweetness.”
gopee madhura leela madhura
yuktam madhuram bhuktam madhuram
drishtam madhuram shishtam madhuram
madhuradhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His foremost devotees, the gopis, are sweet. His pastimes are sweet.
meeting with Him is sweet. Being enjoyed by Him is sweet. Being
noticed (seen) by Him is sweet. His character is sweet. Simply
everything about the Lord of sweetness is all-sweet.”
gopa madhura gavo madhura
yastir madhura srishtir madhura
dalitam madhuram phalitam madhuram
madhuradhipaterakhilam madhuram
“His cowherd friends are sweet; His cows are sweet. His cane is sweet;
His creation is sweet, His destruction is sweet, and His fruition is
sweet. Everything about the Supreme Lord is totally sweet.”
And already I’m thinking again of Rumi- he continues to inspire me every day. Here is a good copy of the Mathnawi, 1 & 2.
We went to bring some cake to her place
had to get a Zipcar
cried, talked to her,
sang happy birthday
now we’re drinking (I never drink)
by tomorrow, back to
usual degree of grief
[Carrot cake because, well, we know who will actually eat it and trying not to be too destructive to life…]
I pray each day to keep my heart open. Really I do.
And I work in a place where the suffering is so intense it burns-
Oregon State Hospital-
and I think it’s the right thing.
I always wish I had not been blind.
Wish I had done this and that different.
But I did the best I could without access to a time machine.
I did the best I could.
Made me a better parent.
I knew better what was important.
I raised my boys really good.
They have become the sweetest, most gentle men-
that is worth something.
I still cried. Worse than last year.
A sucker punch.
Thank you, Erin, and Mike Tyson-
The pain doesn’t go away.
It deepens.
Maybe that’s all it was meant to do.
For all the years sucked up in madness and despair,
I can’t give away even one moment.
Nothing else would bring me here.
Right here is the right place.
Thank you lord-
you have shown me the path of love:
devastation.
Now, just so we don’t lose track of the punchline…
We must obtain Zipcar which does, you speaking to her, you shout, you question that it comes having the cake in her place with your birthday [me] now we’ when you sing returning to the thing (never my beverage) tomorrow which re-drinks, usual sorrow, to be good, because we have known, [carrot cake someone really and eats that, it should not be excessively harmful in life…Everyday you pray because try] I opened my center and maintain. Actually as for me. The Oregonian state hospital which works at the place where and I is hardship and therefore it forces and burn and I think it'[wo]; s be correct. I always desire the fact that directly I am not the blind person. Request I did difference remains and this. But as for me without access to the time machine depending upon me the best which it is possible was exhausted. As for me the best which it is possible with me was exhausted. The good parent is done by me. I had known those which are important better. I raised the good my boy really. As for them that you have become the sweet most calm people is some value. I shouted still. It is terrible from last year. Surprise. You, Erin or microphone Tyson-[ni] do to appreciate there is no pain doesn’ t. That becomes deep. The fact that’ s it does perhaps entirely was meant. Because of all years which are inhaled in insanity and despair I can’ t gives 1 o’clock. What comes accompanying me here. Just there is a place the right here. The main thing the road of love was shown thank you in me: Devastation. This time, the track/truck of the punch line which so we don’ t lose exactly…
moon soup 