Category Archives: pictures

Just so you know

I kept it to myself this year. I had a sleepless night.

It snuck up on me- April 5th- I had actually managed to convince myself that it wasn’t even April, really. I saw no date on the calendar. I didn’t realize until about 5 pm on April 4th. Then it was like a bag of bricks. Or an ocean of tears.

Then, like smoke, it was over, gone. No harm no foul. It was something different than my usual coping/ denial. I really want her to move on. I’m concerned for her. She lives in my heart, no matter, but I want her to face ahead. I want this for me too.

“May all be free of suffering and the causes of suffering.”

Here she is laughing with her brothers. They are both grown men.

Here she is laughing with her brothers. They are both grown men.

Yesterday was Andrew’s birthday. I want to give him a Goopymart shirt. but I need to wait until I get my first disability check. I called, he was at work. I texted. Later he texted back, we had a conversation. I miss him- he is so far. Just down in the Bay Area, so I guess not so far. He has a Berkeley PO box. Not certain where he and Chris live right now.

Matt is close by. Just in Beaverton. I went to his house last Sunday night to watch Game of Thrones He made a casserole. It was delicious. He made enough that he can have it for several days. I bet it’s gone now though.

This is one of my favorite pictures. Holding a butterfly in our front yard.

This is one of my favorite pictures. Holding a butterfly in our front yard.

This is in the front yard of where the kids grew up. The house we had from when Matt was born until both he and Andrew were men. It is unfortunate that we lost this house- I lost this house- because after all my breakdowns, after all my years of grief beyond speaking, after all my lost jobs and the ruins of my career we went into foreclosure.

Moved into that rental on Flavel that burned down and took so much of our life with it. No, correct that- it didn’t take any life; it only took stuff. Everyone, including the pets, was safe.

This next is cropped from the huge picture taken at Falcon Crest in the summer of 1989. You can find the original big version around here somewhere.

Even this cropped version is bigger than this- click for full size.

Even this cropped version is bigger than this- click for full size.

I wrote a song. Well, I wrote lots of songs. This one was called “Erin’s Ghost”. It was written when I still had so much anger with God I almost couldn’t pray without spitting. I wonder how it works as a poem… Since I don’t have the right equipment to record it now and I’ve lost the earlier recordings. It’s actually a prayer. If you read between the lines you might hear the spitting. No more spitting for me. God has whispered into my heart, and here, near the end of my life, has opened me to love. Maybe I’ll call it-

Ashes of Your Love

All the labor of my days

All the sweetness of my nights

All the times that I have cursed or have ignored You

The times I’ve touched You

The greatest joy I have ever known

I will undertake to lay these down before You

Because life burns away

As a fire is consumed

Don’t look for me below or up above

Only one thing will remain

Of what is gone without a trace

There is nothing but the ashes of Your love

You brought to me a baby girl

She was tired, she was sore

And You gave me dreams that I could love or even heal her

But for the time that she was mine

We shared too many bitter tears

Lord there were even days I could not bear to feel her

She had more pain to bear than joy

More to teach than she could learn

God she was deeper than her vision could yet show her

Still as my heart counts the years

She is never growing old

I’m left to reflect upon the grace it was to know her

Well, they say, “God cuts the thread”

So it was in her 14th year

That You allowed that she should end

Her own becoming

I could not believe it true

When I saw her lying dead

Though I held until

The chill of her was numbing

And still life burns away

As a fire is consumed

Do not look for me below or up above

For only one thing will remain

Of what is gone without a trace

Lord there’s nothing but the ashes of Your love

It’s hard to believe that she was right

And everything has turned out wrong

There was so much more to life she’d never tasted

I just pray that it’s true

As Your saints have often said

That there is no love in this world that’s ever wasted

But life burns away

Just as a fire is consumed

You will not find me down below or up above

Only one thing will remain

Of that which is gone without a trace

There’s nothing but the ashes of Your love

1992

1992

I love you, my first baby, my only daughter, my life’s greatest teacher, the one I once thought would never abandon me. You are with the loving Friend, move to even greater light, find your heart’s desire. And in all the worlds, the infinite worlds beyond counting, in which you still live, show your fire. Shine so brightly no one can keep from seeing your wild, beautiful fire.

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Filed under Family pictures, personal story, pictures, poetry

Welcome!

Welcome!.

Shawn Bird’s very excellent soup.

Also check out Leanne Cole’s photography here.

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Filed under Nature, pictures, poetry, Re-blogged

Some pictures, a story, some good other things to read

Pictures from my kids phone-photo blog (always click for full size- I do not skimp on size):

stop

 

criminal

sidewalk_arthelp

 

feets

 

Pictures from the site that shall not be named:

[gt] Daisy

 

THE INTERNET

These are animated- if they don’t work automatically, click them to nudge them along:

Q056

fuck_it

 

[ani] nice catch

How I spent last weekend or….

The waiting room at Urgent Care
I was actually on my way to Best Buy to ask why the headset didn’t work, got there, noticed that my left foot was numb.
I knew my ankle was sprained, at least, and nobody seemed to think it to be a big deal. Especially given the bigger deal of the rip-roaring pain throughout my left leg that was caused by the ruptured disk that was squishing the nerve- But the ankle did look kind of dramatic. Although swelling had gone down over the past week (it was a week ago Saturday that I slipped on it), the bruising was spectacular. I personally have never seen anything like it. It has been blue-black from my ankle to the bottoms of my feet including my toes. So, given that the bruising was still awesome and the numbness was new, I thought it would be prudent to go to Urgent Care at Kaiser (in the Sunnyside complex).
The Urgent Care nurse who checked me in asked to see it, I showed it to her (sounds like a porn intro). She immediately had me go get X-rays and blood-work and I was shuffled through those places and put in the Urgent Care waiting room.
It would seem that the short phrases “waiting room” and “Urgent Care” were paired together for maximum contrast in the use and mis-use of the English language. You could probably do a whole – never mind, I digress…
I noticed that the group around me stayed pretty consistent. New people arrived here and there. A couple times someone’s name was called and they were taken back to what I decided was the “Exam Area” (I made up that phrase- I am easily entertained). I never saw anyone come back out of this Exam Area. After being in the waiting area for about 45 minutes a nice young lady came out of the hidden areas where people were sometimes taken (the ones who were never seen again, as far as I know) and she announced that there was currently about a 2 hour wait for getting in to see a doctor at “Urgent Care”.
She apologized, smiled and went back behind the closed doors.
I began to speculate about the true nature of this hidden dimension I had so innocently and glibly labeled as the Exam Area- maybe it was actually a place where the “disappeared” were being dissected and barbecued! (Had I eaten anything yet today? Were my thoughts being perverted by hunger?) I remember thinking there was some grease on the scrub-top worn by the announcer lady.
I closed my eyes to try and explore the smells around me- was there a faint odor of BBQ?
I was shaken from this macabre vision by something that at first seemed almost as unsettling. Sitting across from me and seeming to notice me only as I noticed him was Jess from the hospital- our volunteer coordinator. I hadn’t seen him arrive, it was as though he had materialized from thin air. He said that he had a cactus thorn embedded in his finger. There was no mark that I could see but he explained that it was buried deeply in the flesh of the finger, had no egress from it’s lodging and was causing him pain and distress. I have no reason to disbelieve him except that his story was so outlandish. What is he doing handling cacti?
Time passed. I kept myself entertained with a variety of “Twilight Zone”esque stories that could take place in the Urgent Care waiting room.
I eventually got to see the doctor. He very quickly ascertained that I would need to go back to X-ray because when I had come in they had not taken pictures of my ankle. They did have good shots of my toes but he was uninterested in those.
Hours later I was sent away with a big apparatus they referred to as a “boot”. The numbness was caused by the inflammation and blood from a slightly torn ligament and something else that he tried to draw a picture of. The nurse told him his drawing was poor and unrecognizable.
the end

Other more better stuff:

Death by Analysis (chapter 1)

‘Freedom is an Adventure Without End’ – Don Juan

 

“I am Chinese!”

Sound:

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Filed under animated gif, animation, comedy relief, mp3, Mystic Poetry, Nature, personal story, pictures, Re-blogged, sound bite

Personal Health Update [TMI Warning]

Who would even guess that I’d be writing a health update?

About 2 weeks ago I was woken in the night by severe pain in my left calf. For a few nights I was routinely awake with pain in the night. It was at first very localized in a specific part of my calf muscle (seemingly). I couldn’t get in to see my Primary Care Physician. She prescribed some pain medication to take at night. The medication had no effect and the area affected was spreading, so I went to Urgent Care a couple days later. They did their best to rule out the most diabolical possible causes using ultra-sound and blood tests. Nothing serious seemed to be happening and at the time the pain was still mostly at night, with some residual pain in the morning that tended to be reduced quite a bit by evening only to erupt again with some intensity at about 2 am.

The Nurse Practioner that provided my service felt confident that blood clots and other vascular issues were not present. She prescribed stronger pain pills for night-time and added a mild muscle relaxer (cyclobenzeprine).

The following night the pain was very severe and encompassed most of my leg from thigh to ankle. The pain was also not reducing as much during the day and I was unable to dress my self without great difficulty and time. I was beginning to feel it in my buttocks. Sitting on the toilet was very painful. I was also becoming quite constipated from opiod use.

I went to the emergency department at Kaiser Sunnyside. They gave me stronger pain medication, Dilaudid, and Valium (as a muscle relaxer). They suggested that I take various laxative products.

Somewhere in here I had had another visit to Urgent Care. X-rays were taken, no relevant information gained. They ordered an MRI, of my hip, lower spine and pelvis, which I had the very next day at the hospital. Then I heard nothing back for a few days, no result information was provided. 

By this time I had seen 4 different medical practioners on 4 different visitors and had been unable to talk with or even correspond with my Primary Care Physician. I was grateful that I had an appointment within a couple days with my doctor at my usual clinic. The pain was quite severe and had taken over my life morning, day and night. During this time I also had my first major bowel movement since being on pain med- it was excruciating. It was not painful at the point of exit but my left buttock and thigh hurt so badly I was left on the floor of the bathroom crying. It was the worst physical pain I can remember ever having.

[A very special thanks goes out to my most excellent friend Candace, my own personal nurse, who helped me through this process and kept my spirits up.]

So, with cautious optimism, I went to my appointment with my doctor. Unfortunately, she was out sick and my appointment had been turned over to an apparently overworked and surly gentleman who provided very little information, as quickly as he could, re-filled my Dilaudid script and gave me an after-visit summary hat included no useful information about my condition. The important things I learned at that visit were that the MRI provided evidence of some multiple nerve problems associated with possible herniated disks in my lower spine and that I would be taking oral prednisone right away followed by steroid injections. Scheduling the injections required use of imaging equipment to insure proper administration of the steroids. I was not told of potential side effects of the injections but was assured that I would receive substantial pain relief.

Yesterday I wrote an email to my doctor wondering out-loud if anyone was actually in charge of my care or if it was actually as fragmented and un-coordinated as it appeared. I asked if I would soon be given a diagnosis, in writing, of what was happening to me and when I might be able to return to work or at least do ordinary things like go to the bathroom or put on my own clothing.  I was able to get her one the phone very soon later that day. She assured me that she was reviewing all the information, she apologized for being sick (she didn’t need to do that- I would have loved to get an apology from the surly and uninformative doctor who took her place). She also made an appointment with me for tomorrow- after my appointments with other specialists where I hope to get the promised relief.

[Now, I have what is considered in this country to be a “Cadillac Health Plan” of substantially higher quality than average and at a level the our new “Affordable Health Care” law will probably tax me for. I don’t mind that, really. If I am getting more than my fair share of the pie I am happy to pitch in if it means that more people, if not everyone, can get access to basic care.]

The pharmacist told me that the prednisone would have possibly drastic effects on my blood glucose levels which I would need to monitor very carefully. He also said that I could anticipate some mood irregularity and that it was important to follow the directions exactly, especially concerning the weaning off of the prednisone because of potentially serious side effects.

I look forward to tomorrow with “cautious optimism”. I learned this phrase from my very articulate and precisely spoken co-worker, Malcolm.


Completely unrelated:

Astronomers Discover New Kind of Supernova

and

Sesame Street – Martians yipyip

yip-yip-martians-o

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Filed under personal story, pictures, silly, sound bite

How are things

I have a wing injury which has been difficult but little else in terms of trouble. I’ll show a picture later.

Work is alright. Its hard but not in a way that hurts my spirit. I’m not keeping up with many of my wellness goals from when I was off work. But I’m doing some of it and  making it okay.

Some things I just don’t want to talk about yet.

My head and heart are mostly in balance.  There have been hard things, as always, but I am mostly untroubled. My energy level is not what I would like but right now that’s because of the tendinitis in my shoulder. Today I got a cortisone shot.

We had such a wet June that frogs and their children are very happy. Even into July we still have lots of water in marginal habitat areas like ditches and seasonal marshlands. So, that’s good.

Someone, a patient, at work dies a few weeks ago and that was tough and a bit frustrating.

Here are some pictures I’ve found or taken:

parents divorce answered

Comic-con pamphlet

Transamerica spin

better add music- 

follow the money- I made this when GW was nominated, still current

That’s Annie, sleeping in the pot by the window.

01 Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – Carry On

Boobie

look ma, no thumbs

all of the earth’s fresh water

1957-2012

Rumi- from here:

You are in love with me, I shall make you perplexed.
Do not build much, for I intend to have you in ruins. If you build two hundred houses in a manner that the bees do; I shall make you as homeless as a fly. If you are the mount Qaf in stability. I shall make you whirl like a millstone.

Now you’ve departed and gone to the Unseen-
On what strange ways you’ve gone from our world!
You shook your feathers and you broke the cage;
You flew away, far, to the soul’s own world.
You were a hawk, encaged by Mrs. World.
You heard the drum and flew to Where-no-place.
You were a nightingale among the owls-
The garden’s scent came; you went to the rose.
You suffered headache from these bitter dregs-
At last you went to the eternal tavern…
The rose flees from the autumn-daring rose
That you went on in the autumnal wind!
You fell like rain on the terrestrial roof,
Run here and there, escaping through the spout.
Be silent-there is no more pain of speaking:
You are protected by a loving friend!

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Filed under animated gif, cats, Music, pictures, poetry, Uncategorized

Last day before I return to work

I think I’m ready but I am a bit nervous. I’ve been off since 2/10/2012. Oregon State Hospital- here is a state propaganda page.

Some things have changed while I was gone. Everyone is now moved into the new hospital building. Even me. No more big comfortable, private office- I’m in a giant cube-farm. This will take some getting used to.

The word is that most patients find it to be much more prison-like. There is no real “outside”- yards are internal, surrounded by tall walls, space is limited more in some ways. There is no real space where people can congregate and talk. Dining is now in shifts of 30 minutes each, treatment groups happen in rooms attached to crowded narrow hallways.

Staff are also concerned about the new building and the whole new set of rules and restrictions that have emerged over the past 6 months

...but oh, so clean!!

Many staff there are excellent people. Most of them are having trouble working in the new environment. But the propaganda machine is telling everyone it’s great, so really what are people complaining about?

Recently a staff person died while restraining a patient. The death was your basic heart attack unrelated to the events, other than there was probably some physical exertion going on. The guy is someone who always looked like a walking coronary. He was 36  years old.

Peace out Matthew. Rest easy. You don’t need to come to work tomorrow. I do though.

my co-workers

Wish me luck. I will need all the good vibes I can muster.

Okay, lets do something different. Funny stuff or things that caught my eye. And a bit of music. We’ll start with music to make the whole segue thing more realistic. Lisa Germano singing “Destroy the Flower”.

This is cool- if you like this sort of thing-

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2012/04/120423131902.htm

the above is from my older son’s art/ pictures pages…

Below is important instructions from Goopy

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Filed under animated gif, animation, comedy relief, Music, pictures, silly

It’s Early

Willamette Valley

4.25.2012

Coming into the end of April, amphibians have plenty of water. It hasn’t been the wettest of winters in NW Oregon but there is plenty of healthy habitat for now. Some egg laying was observed in early April (some in March as well but there was a couple killing frosts, even snow, in March).

Lots of peeping, croaking all around the town- wherever there is a seasonal or year-round wetland. Froggies lookin’ for love.

It’s still too early to tell how the marginal habitats will fare. More frogs will be coming.

Don’t tease the frog

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Filed under Frogs, Nature, pictures

Easter is over

the internet

Mifune

Music for today, Kirtana, Who You Really Are

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Filed under animation, Music, pictures

April 5th, 2012

19 years ago she died today

annual
anniversary
miss her so much
she broke my heart
they’ve made it real difficult to get to the spot where her ashes are buried,
still managed

click if it doesn’t animate- it

‘s a big file

play this song if you want

lawn full of marigolds by Joshua James

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Filed under animated gif, Family pictures, Music, personal story, pictures

Mostly funny business, ani-gifs

Wow.

Just so you know.

click the next one if it doesn’t animate

go to goopymart!

zero-point energy solved!

Sound- Ben Folds, Jesusland:

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Filed under animated gif, animation, cats, comedy relief, Music, pictures