I don’t have a great deal of confidence in my mind. I am definitely skeptical of the thoughts and perceptions that run through it. It all appears to be constantly changing.
I don’t know if anyone else has this but on the border of sleep, often just before waking in the morning, I find my mind is preoccupied with strange fascinations. I am thinking in geometric patterns, colors or numbers and there are serious, even dangerous, meanings to the thoughts. These moving patterns can be very intricate and detailed. It is often an unsettling experience.
The reality of these thoughts is absolute- just like a dream, I experience them as completely true. As I awake the images, thoughts and meanings fade and I can’t even describe these extremely compelling beliefs that underpin the world I was just in.
The other day at bedtime I had one of these experiences. It was as though I had woken from one of these dream fascinations and I believed that the world I live in was actually one of those compelling but ultimately meaningless kaleidoscopic patterns.
It startled me into wakefulness. I had the strong feeling that all my thoughts, beliefs and understandings were exactly as true and real as those dream images and vice versa.
There is a buddha quote I like. It’s probably not actual- I can’t find it’s source anywhere right now- but it’s basically (paraphrasing):
What is Totality?
There is the eye and the objects of vision,
The ear and the objects of sound,
The body and the objects of sensation,
The mind and the objects of cognition.
Anyone who tells you there is more, does not know what they’re talking about.
I used to think he was saying, “Everything is here in front of you right now in the perceived world.” I wonder if maybe everything, including this perceived world, is more than a tad wiggly. Lots of shadows and symbols, short on substance.